Still feeling like a fake? The importance of receiving feedback

Last fall I wrote an article and gave talks about the Impostor Syndrome. The response I got from so many people was amazing. I had suspected that many people would relate, but I didn’t expect such strong responses. I was riding on my confident bliss of being able to advice others about it and how far along I had matured out of it.

Then it hit me again the other day. It hit me harder than I thought it could after all my experience.

Because I’d been talking about the impostor syndrome and helping other people, made it less severe. But it still took me a few days of getting out of the self-destructive zone that comes with the impostor syndrome.

This feeling of not being good enough, thinking what the hell you are doing there and how you faked your way here. God, it’s awful. I’m a very emotional person and the tears start to bubble up when I reach this mental state. The tears drip when I start talking, so I tend to shut down and withdraw. Which is the worst thing to do because suppressing the problem always makes it bigger than it is in reality.

I went over all the advices I had given and realized that I had been in my new job, out of my comfort zone, for a few months without receiving any feedback. The syndrome makes me think that if I’m not getting any feedback I must be doing a poor job. When in reality it’s gonna be the opposite. So I went and requested feedback from my team mates, first informally, then in a formal setting. I ended up getting positive feedback. Both on things I had worried about not doing well, and on other things I didn’t even realize were a positive quality. The demands I was trying to live up to were unrealistic demands I had been setting myself.

So I wanna stress how important it is to receive feedback, both in an informal and formal manner. You can’t expect to receive feedback unless you give it yourself, so be mindful of giving others feedback as well. If you and your team are not used to it, it’s best to start with positive feedback. Then add giving corrective feedback, because that’s also beneficial but more sensitive. To be able to do that, in a constructive manner, there needs to be trust and respect in your team. At Kolibri, we have a working agreement, based on the Core Protocols and commitments, which everyone has agreed on. Its purpose is to make sure people can be themselves and respect each other.

• Practice open and constructive communication. Say what you think and feel and ask for help.
• Expect the best from people.
• Practice check-ins, where the team meets and share their feelings. If they’re sad, mad, glad or afraid. Doing this routinely creates trust and empathy which is key for good communication and co-operation.

I knew that I would likely never get cured from the impostor syndrome, but still got angry at myself when it came. I have now accepted that this will always come over me every once in a while. I can’t control whether it comes or not, but I can control how I react to it. I’ve noticed my pattern when the syndrome is coming. I get stuck on some problem at work and then it spirals to me thinking I’m not smart enough for this and I should quit programming and start to work in gardening. To break out of this spiral of negative thoughts, I get up and take a break when I sense this is approaching. Then if I still make no progress, I either talk to someone about my problem and even ask for help. It’s also best to say out loud how I’m feeling (the sooner the better, then I’ll beat the tears!).

At last, I’m working on giving myself positive feedback. Every morning (or you know, most mornings, I am only human), I write down at least one positive quality about myself. This helps keeping the negative thoughts at bay.

To summarize this:

• get feedback from people you trust
• break your negative patterns
• use positive affirmation to chase the impostor syndrome away.